There was this poet fella, Tennyson.
"Be near me, " he wrote,
"Be near me when my light is low,
"When the blood creeps, and the nerves prick
"And tingle; and the heart is sick,
"And all the wheels of Being slow. "
No!
Is that a vision of love in all its horror or what?
What I wouldn't give for more than a quick glimpse.
But the wish improves, don't it,
as how there's more to it than sex, like -
all that messy stuff squirting and going places.
How, at the end of the day,
it all comes down to, "Be near me.
"Be near me. "
Scissor to the scissor shelf.
Comb go inside hidey-hole for comb.
Mr Brush reside in him own Mr Brush place.
And you, cara mia, it's time for your beauty sleep.
Now all is silence.
Not even one breath, please.
Only sleep and silence.
Silence and sleep.
Dante.
Vieni, Dante.
Come and help me.
Please.
Can't you sleep neither?
Not tonight.
Do us a milk, duckie.
I couldnae make my eyes stay shut.
My heart was too busy leaping around in my chest
like a bonny spring lamb.
Half your luck.
What's turned you into such a droopy drawers?
Maeve, you know in the old days, when you were a girl and that?
If a lady, say, couldn't get to a doctor,
how would she make definitely sure that she weren't...
.. pregnant or not?
Well, the time-honoured method,
so they said,
was to take a drop of the lady's water, just a wee drop,
if you catch my drift, and inject it bodily into a rabbit.
Now, if the lady's pregnant, the bunnikins goes to God.
I don't wanna kill a friggin' rabbit.
You don't?
You're not the first lass to get yourself in the family way
without first getting something in the way of a family.
And you'd know?.
My laird,
my cheeky, bonny, brilliant black-haired laird,
pressed me into more than service.
You mean, there was more to the laird than his tongue?
I mean he had a fine tongue.
Such words.
Such promises.
And these gentlemanly hands about my waist
with these outstanding blue, blue veins on the backs of them.
Like highwaymen's road maps.
High roads and low roads.
And you took them both?
Oh, I'm not complaining.
I'm not.
He might've married me,
but for the fact that he already had a wife.
And he kept her hidden?
No, you great goose.
I was not, so to speak, the most innocent party in all of this.
And I thought you was as straitlaced as they come.
But what about the laird?
Well, did he know you were preggo?
I knew what I had to do.
It's very cold in those castles
when the heat's off.
So many stairs.
So, lass,
you can see why, after all,
it's rather nice to hold the hand of a man who's done with travelling.
Dante?
Under the right stars, I could break a commandment or two with him.
Now...
.. to make certain sure you're in the predicament you think you're in...
.. what you must do is catch yourself a frog.
A male frog.
Ah, another bonny day the good laird's concocted for us,
do you no think, Mr Kenneth?
Mmm. Er, Ardath, chop chop.
I've a sneaking suspicion I sold the very last packet yester-eve.
Oh, well, any brand, then.
And I don't care if it's Mongolian.
Give it to me! What, Mr Dante?
My letter. Quick!
Sorry, duckie, it's all sorted.
Nobody loves you today.
Dumpy woman, you look one more time inside pigeon's hole.
Please.
There's no letter in there.
I promise you, Mr Dante,
the absolute second something arrives,
I'll dance a tarantella with it in my teeth to your door.
This cannot be.
Is it from her you're expecting?
That jezebel with the fake red hair?
Diomira, sì.
My wandering wife.
I have un premonition.
Diomira sent message she in trouble.
I must help her.
But I don't know where she is.
It's rather inconsiderate of this premonition
not to leave a forwarding address.
Hold your tongue, domine.
Three copies, typed, on my desk by morning teeth.
Teeth?
Don't be smart.
He doesn't like smart women.
I will not have my barracks turned into a blasted eyetie circus.
Leave Mr Dante alone.
And you others - be off, or I'll crown every manjack of you!
Excuse me.
Can't you see the poor lad is half-crazed with grief?
Tell dumpling-shaped woman I am not crazy.
Mi piace la musica.
What... what... what are they gibbering about?
Not this gibber-fish again!
I speak beauty.
I speak music.
I speak art.
You are nothing but basta.
Just keep your hands to yourself, mate.
Yeah? What you will do, Commander?
Box me about the ears?
Throw me in Mr Dungeon, huh?
No, I'll throw you in the... in the... bloody, blasted river!
Yeah, that's what I'll do.
Or... or... or this.
Oh, Colonel.
Where's your musica now, eh,
your beauty, your blithering art?
Shhh. Come on.
Thank you, my dear.
Thank you.
What music was that?
I didnae recognise the tune.
I don't normally go for that wild-haired classical stuff,
but that one, I don't mind saying, had quite a nice good beat.
"II Flauto Magico'.
"The Magic Flute'.
Ah, it's just a piping wee noisemaker.
Just "diddly-diddly-dee!"
Now, the bagpipes -
there's an instrument to make a man sit up and take notice.
Sound to me like sticky pig.
To some, I'll warrant,
but to me, whene'er I hear 'em calling glen to glen,
reminds of the time I was in heather,
in service to the Laird of Tongue.
Starched, I was.
More than a mickle snootified in my housekeeper's uniform.
And you'll ne'er believe this - slender.
A wee slip of a lass I was in them green and salad days.
There's not much of the salad left about me now,
except for these poor old carrot legs.
Mr Dante.
How did I ever get here?
How?.
How any of us get here?
Blasted damn. That's practically language.
Do you have to be so cheerful about it?
No, I can be a complete cow if you'd prefer.
Be my guest,
as long as it keeps you out of the clutches of that wretched...
.. braces fellow.
Do me one, tiny favour, B.
Don't...
J- just don't get yourself up the plurry duff.
Well, since you ask so nicely.
Dante.
Dio.
Diomira.
Are you back?
Mmm!
Fakki-armo il foxtrot?
Facciamo.
Balliamo.
Facciamo.
Balliamo!
Well, what do you ken? I'm speaking gibber-fish.
And I don't live in a cave!
Mr Dante.
I've been thinking. Uh?
Instead of me trotting along in my groove
and you coursing your way along yours...
Groove and groove.
Sì. What you are driving at, huh?
Well, we're neither of us getting any younger.
Get to the point, dumpling.
Do you think you could see your way clear
to being... the oil to my vinegar?
The jam to my roll?
Could we be an item, do you think?
You and me?
In your wildest...
This is... your natural colour?
Well...
.. I've given Mother Nature a wee leg up -
highlights and so forth.
It might look nice in rosso.
Red!
Like a bonfire, you mean? On a headland.
As a fiery beacon for smugglers and the like.
I've never fancied myself as a redhead, but what the heck?
I could be one if it was for you.
You could circumnavigate me.
Ha! Establish a beachhead.
Search out the whisky cave!
Watch out for the rocks below, me hearties,
my waters are largely uncharted!
Och, now.
What are you thinking of?
I'm afraid I think...
.. I think maybe I'm on a hill.
In heather.
So how many I get?
What?
From 10. How many?
Oh, God.
I can't put a number on it.
No, well, come on. Is it more or... or less than five?
More. You clown.
What, six?
Or seven? Would you shut up if I said eight?
Eight. Mmm.
Well, look, no-one gets 10, love. That's the rule.
And to get nine you need, ooh, take me out to dinner,
dancing, five-piece combo, a bottle of wine from a shop.
Well, come on, let's go. It's not too late. We go out for supper.
Yeah, but that means borrowing the jeep.
Yeah, it's faster to go in jeep than walk, no?
Mm-mm, yeah, but, look,
GH has got a bit of a bee in his bonnet about you and me,
so maybe we should keep a low profile till...
.. he gets used to the idea.
Low profile.
Yeah. How low?.
This low?. Oh!
Or maybe this low.
Or better...
Nine!
10!
12!
Louisa.
Buona sera, mia principessa.
Hey.
Is that time again.
Hello, you.
Tshh. Hello, you.
Move over.
Come on. Louisa not getting tired of me, huh?
Louisa's fine.
But what about Bianca, Nin?
Where does she think you nick off to these nights?
What do you tell her?
Nino don't tell her nothing.
Nino don't have to.
Man of the house, eh?
She send me here.
She look at watch and say, "Is time, Harpo. Run. Run!"
She call me Harpo.
L- I don't know why.
You mean this is all her friggin' idea?
Shh! Professore.
No friggin' way. Will you sod off, Nin?
You want me to go?
Huh?
Mmm.
Louisa, I...
Grazie, Dante. Bene. Ciao.
Maeve...
Honestly. Do you think I'm made of Tarzan's Grip?
You could whip up a nice display of these.
The kiosk could give the tobacco game away if that made you happy.
Nothing.
Nothing make me happy.
Except for to hear from her.
Find out what's wrong.
Yes.
Yes, I...
.. I see that now.
Joe, can you please go? I've got work to do.
You employment officer - now employ me.
Look, we agreed - low profile.
Or I really will find you a job.
Um, Mr Della Vergine was just on his way.
You know, Colonel...
.. I get, er, 12 from 10.
Beat that.
Was there something else?
I, er, said some things yesterday
I should never have...
.. have, um...
Er, that is, I used language and, er, I'm not proud of myself.
As a rule I try to maintain a proper command of words,
of English.
Sometimes the troops get out of hand
and want to throw a grenade in the... the general's tent.
Want you to know it won't happen again.
Well, from memory, all you said was...
I know what I said.
But I thought worse.
Far worse. So...
So... Message received and understood.
Ah, I think.
Good. Good.
Good.
Ta-ra!
Is... is... is from...
I think.
I think...
.. if you don't mind, lady...
.. I like to be alone with this.
Thank you.
Grazie.
Ciao. Dove é Louisa?
Jubilation! She love me!
Who? Diomira love me again!
My woman love me. My wo...
My woman love me! Good. Good, good, good.
Good for you. Good.
Dio... Diomira love me!
Hmm.
Er, Dante? Yep.
Er, there's someone here I think you might like to, um...
Hug?
Only by the throat.
Oh, no! Not this again.
Honestly, who does one have to poke to get a shave around here?
As a good many of you know,
I, too, like you,
was just a mere peasant here in this camp.
However...
.. unlike some,
I went out into this beautiful country
and with a bit of selling here and a bit of buying there -
details need not concern you -
I have made more money than you could imagine in all of your life.
What you do, little man?
Rob a bank?
I bought for myself one factory.
Not far from here.
And today I come to look for people who want to make lots of money
and make something for themself by working hard, huh?
Hmm. I knew was too good to be true.
What factory you buy, huh?
What kind of thing you make in it?
Wigwam for bridle of goose?
It is a thriving business, this one.
You see, I make a deal with abattoir
and I buy all of the meat nobody else want.
I put 'em into tins
and I sell it to all the family
who want fast, easy food for their cats and dogs.
And how do Mr Woof Woof
and Mrs Miaow Miaow
get it back out, uh?
You laugh. You may laugh now.
But one day this will be among the biggest company in this country.
Already, I buy for myself a house,
land, big car, you see, huh?
And fine clothes.
Yes, yeah.
You already wear Fluffy the cat around your neck.
But what I care?
You can have all money in the world
and still... still I am many times richer than you.
And you know why? Because I have this.
This!
I... I have love of a special woman
who is one day soon coming back to be with me.
And then I be the happiest man in the world.
And not money, not car, not factory,
not Fluffy the cat will mean the slightest thing to me.
How old this letter, Dante?
Ink practically still wet.
Well, that's most strange, Dante.
Come. Come. Go outside.
No!
Anything you have to say to me,
you be man and say right here in front of everyone.
What's wrong? Cat got your tongue as well as your collar?
Mmm?
The signora,
your wife.
Diomira. Sì, sì. Continue.
She's gone to America.
On a boat.
Six weeks ago, Dante.
Great big lie
from such a teeny-tiny mouth.
It's true, Dante.
Can I see the letter?
Not really want you to touch it, but...
That's not her handwriting.
You think I don't know my own wife's writing, hmm?
Dante, it's English.
It's a no her handwriting. English is too good. Look.
No.
Why?
Who would write
such a thing?
Who?
WHY?!
Why?!
Who will do such a thing?
Who?!
WHO?!
Maeve?
Are you alright?
You wrote that letter to Dante, didn't you?
Oh, Christ, Maeve. Why?
He seemed to need her so much.
I thought it'd make him happy.
He didn't want me.
Well, can I talk to him for you?
No, child.
Thank you.
I know what I have to do.
Oh, there's plenty of meat on this one.
You think we should put the leftover part in tin and sell for pet food?
Sì.
Sì, the little feet and the ears and the baby tail.
Surprise mix for puppy, uh?
Otherwise not get rich.
Is the first rule of business, huh?
Maybe you're not such a freak after all.
Today, listening to the fur-trimmed man,
I had a flash of inspiration.
Life is hard.
One sorrow after another.
That is why God invent money -
to make life worth living.
I... I don't think he wou...
Next week, we go to the city
and we start to make our fortune.
Then we be big happy!
Then, if people curse you
and beat you and try to tell you what to do,
you can say "Vai Diavolo!
"Get stuffed! I got money.
"Stuff you! And stuff you! And stuff you!"
This is the true meaning of migration, uh?
Yes or no!
"Well, yes, Bianca.
"No, Bianca. Yes, Bianca. " Uh?
What? What is question?
The question is,
when do we get out of this dump and start to make some real money?
We cannot leave here.
Louisa is here. She my... my friend.
Giuseppe's here. He my brother.
Well, I your wife.
And I say we go.
Hmm.
Ah, Nino, Nino.
Is easy to see who wear the pants in your house.
I... I tried to be boss, but she... she no listen.
Then you have to make her listen.
A few little slap, not too hard, not too mean, but just right.
Then she begin to think straight.
You don't hit Lady Bev.
I don't have to. Already she do what I want.
Joe, are you ready?
I come.
Got ya.
Well, I hope you've got a dick under there, Froggo.
Now, this train is connect with the city train
at 8:00 and midday and four o'clock.
Er, no train, no bus.
I... I forbid.
Scusi?
I am husband. I... I forbid all talk of leave Baringa.
You... You very funny.
I buy the tickets tomorrow.
Devi ascoltare quello che ti dico.
We... we go no place else. End of argument!
Hai capito?
Mr Dante?
Mr Dante, are you in there?
I have to talk to you.
It's about that letter.
I realise now I shouldn't have written it.
You.
You do this?
You humiliate me?
Oh. I did it to make you feel better.
I wanted to help you...
.. because... because I felt so sorry for you.
I pray you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
I'd like us to be friends.
Oh!
Don't you ever, EVER hit me again.
Hey, ragazzo! Come. Come here. Quick!
Hurry, stupido!
Help me!
Come on.
We finish. Thank you.
Grazie.
Mille grazie.
Don't mention it. You neither.
This won't be too red, will it?
I'm more of an auburn person.
You've got marvellous hands.
They're a thane's hands.
You don't feel sorry for them, il mani...
.. my hands, there?
Don't be broody broody.
I can't wait to see the effect.
Don't worry.
Soon I will lift veil
and show you stars.
You see stars of Easter
like the first Dante see
when he come back from his dark journey down into Hell.
Now you're giving me the jolly creeps, Mr Dante.
Can I no take one tiny peek?
Oh!
Oh, what don't I look like?
Is more who you do.
You want to make final prayer?
Not today I don't.
Arggh.
Please! I'll do anything.
I'll go. I'll go away. You'll never have to see me again.
Is it money you want?
I'll take you to America.
Don't look. Don't look!
No more now! Not even one breath.
Sleep in silence.
Silence.
Asleep.
It's me. It's Nino.
Get out, idiot! Get out!
No, no. Please, I... Idiot!
Go away!
Go!
Go! Go away!
There he is.
It's gotta be him.
How you get in?
The door wasn't locked.
It's way past opening time, you know?.
There's been a few customers, but I sent them all away.
What you want?
Do you know how to use one of these?
I'd do it myself, like, but I'm terrified of needles.
You have not been in back room?
Why would I?
Fa bene.
I will help you with Mr Needle.
Come here.
You may keep now.
What happen now?. Mr Frog die?
No. Completely the opposite.
Thinks all his Christmases have come at once, if you know what I mean.
Well, he's supposed to start shooting sperm everywhere.
Mmm.
And this mean you are definitely pregnant?
If the frog goes off like a rocket, so they say.
And how long it take for Mr Frog to...
.. reach lift-off?
How would I know?. I've never done it with a frog before.
Never done it with anyone until...
Er, well, you stay and watch Mr Frog.
I have small errands.
Dante, I'm stuffed!
He squirted everywhere.
Me life's over! It's wrecked!
What am I going to do with a little baby?
Oh, what if it's a bloody moron like its father?
I'm getting rid of it!
I've seen how to do it.
Listen to me.
You must have this bambino. I will help.
Oh, not me. I won't.
Will help even things out.
What's that?
Er, I spill red dye.
It's blood, isn't it?
What did you do, cut someone's ear off or something?
Quella cosa. No matter.
Is little secret.
Funny.
Now both we have secrets.
If we're careful, no-one will to find out.
Main thing is, I depend on you now, and you on me.
Yes, you and me, together,
we'll be alright.
OK?
OK. OK.
But everything was far from right.
If only I'd known.
If only I could've heard Maeve's ugly little dog
going for his life with his little claws,
scratching out a message to his missing Auntie Maeve.
And to all of us.
Scratching out, "Be near me.
"Be near me.
"Be near me. "